For some, it was the boldest / bravest decision I made so far but for me it was the best move I needed to make for my child.
I trusted the process, the timing and the father of my daughter.
SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE
Hours before she was conceived, I was babysitting a child of a friend. Ako ang nagpatulog at nagbihis sa kanya. Feel na feel ko ‘yun. And that moment I whispered “Gusto ko na talagang magkaroon ng sarili kong anak, anak lang!”
Fast forward to today, 1 year and 3 months after, I am putting on diapers to my own child. Napakabait ng universe sa akin at tinupad niya ang hiling ko.
I know I am making weird and complicated decisions and choices that have potentially life-long ramifications for her and more difficult consequences for me to take. But I am putting so much trust to myself.
Ngayon, lahat ng gagawin ko kailangan maganda, lahat mabuti. Noong dumating na kasi siya, lahat ng bagay ay para na sa kanya, lahat ay dahil sa kanya.
Sana nga sapat na dahilan na ‘yun para maging mabuti akong magulang sa mata ng iba. Sana sapat na dahilan na ‘yun para hindi siya tingnan bilang “kakaiba”.
Q&As
Sa daldal ng anak ko, ngayon palang alam kong marami na siyang tanong. Handa naman akong sagutin lahat ng ‘yun.
That’s why I created @letterstoaia (ig acct). I write all the things that I want to say to her. Lahat ng pwede niyang itanong sa akin pwede niyang makita doon.
Yung pinaka pinaghahandaan ko, kapag nagtanong na siya ng “Mom, who is my dad?”
THE FATHER
The biological dad’s presence was there since the early days. I was not reaching out but he was. He even greeted me on Mother’s Day pero hindi ko siya binati the next month. (Ha ha) Inenjoy ko lang muna yung pagiging solo, yung ako lang. Hanggang sa narealize ko na kailangan ko nang i-share yung happiness na nararamdaman ko. Masarap maging magulang. Masarap maging magulang ni Aia pero hindi nga lang pala ako yung magulang niya.
I received his usual ‘kumusta’ message days ago. Naramdaman kong ready na ako. I took that chance to tell him that Aia will be travelling to Manila to visit me at work.
The next day, I got a message from him that he is on his way to meet us.
THE FIRST MEETING
Tatlong araw na akong hindi nakakauwi dahil late night na lagi natatapos yung event ko. This is the longest time I had been away from her. The meeting was inteded to be a mom and daughter reunion pero it turned out to be a more meaningful event, our first family affair!
Naniniwala na ako sa lukso ng dugo. The first time their eyes met parang we heard a key turning in a lock. Nakatitig lang sila sa isa’t-isa for 10 minutes straight. Aia never did that to anyone before.
Pero ang nakakatawa, the first time he carried her, nagsuka si Aia. Sinukahan niya yung tatay eksakto in between his thighs near the private part! Anak ko nga siya, medyo bitchesa! Ha ha. Tawang-tawa kami pareho. Alam ng anak namin ang ginagawa niya!
CONNECTION
Aia weighs 9 kilos na. Mabigat na siya dalhin pero wala akong narinig na reklamo galing sa dad. He enjoyed cuddling and carrying her. Hindi ko nga mabuhat ang anak ko dahil gusto niya siya ang magdadala.
May oras pa nga na hindi ako makarelate dahil sila yung nagkakaintindihan. Nagtatawanan sila nang sila lang. May sarili silang lenggwahe na kahit ako, hindi alam.
Hindi rin ako nagreklamo kasi I know they needed that. Masaya sila pero that time, ako yung pinaka!
PLANS
I am still a single mom but now with a co-parent. We now make plans together. We plan the next visits. We share photos of her. We talk about her future. May mga “sana parang magbabarkada lang tayo noh?”.
We think about the questions that might arise and the answers to them. Dapat unified. Dapat pareho kami ng sagot to certain questions. Pero nagtitiwala kami kay Aia. Alam naming matalino siya. We know she will figure out things well.
LOVE
It was not bravery. It was love. Pagmamahal yung nagturo sa akin kung anong susunod na gagawin, pagmamahal ko para kay Aia.
Hindi ako kailanman nagalit sa tatay niya kasi ayokong lumaki siyang may lamat ang puso.
Lumaki akong malaki ang respeto at pagmamahal sa sarili kong tatay at gusto kong ganun din ang maramdaman niya.
Salamat universe dahil you gave Aia the dad she deserves.
And to her dad, thank you for standing up for her!! You deserve to be called her father.
